I do not have any hope and I do not want to live anymore. I am not desperate of Allah’s mercy, but I feel…

Answer

In the name of Allah: Be advised, my son, that one of the believers’ characteristics is regretting the sin. Moreover, the believer does not forget the sin he committed and if he does, he will return to it. To despair form the mercy of Allah, the Almighty is a great sin. So, you have to seek to create the love in yourself for Allah by remembering the blessings and graces of Allah, the most prominent of which is the grace of existence and creation of you and the continuity of life, and the other uncounted and infinite graces. If you tame yourself by remembering the graces of Allah, He will help you create the love in yourself for Allah and that love will help you get rid of sins, submit to Allah and be grateful to Him. Also, treat yourself by staying away from the environment which tempts you and helps you commit the sins which you want to get rid of and treat yourself by sticking to Salatul Lail (Night Prayers) which is recommended in a dark room to get a privacy with your Beloved Who is Allah, the Almighty.